Hot room

“We never reach a goal hoped for. But we can reach a goal unhoped for. At times this can hold good surprises for me.”

Hélène Cixous, Writing Blind

I am trying to make something good here. I am doing it at the expense of the thing.

Sometimes I forget. I wonder what could have been so bad before, but the bad before lies waiting.

I am going to unplug, reroute, reboot, re-root myself here where it is green and verdant. Ver-dance with me. Pregnant solitude, past caring, passed me by. Didn’t you hear me I said I’m going to unplug so you better know where to reach me. You do want to reach me, don’t you? I might have something to say about the British countryside, how it raised me. 

I learn that I’m not special, not a specimen. No spelunking here please.

I wonder what could have been so bad before, but the bad before lies waiting.

It’s the space between wanting better, knowing it exists, and believing I do not deserve it. When I am in a bad place and no one is coming to get me, that’s not where the magic is. Is there beauty in trying? Sometimes I feel like Gromit in The Wrong Trousers, frantically trying to lay down tracks except I’m trying to put them behind me, trying to put as much distance as possible between me and the horrible things that have happened over the last few years. There are months I would remove completely if I could.

Let people know I like to watch things grow. This horsefly bite is getting a good swell on it but that’s not what I meant and you know it. Let me reach for dignity. It feels uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar, not because it’s bad.

I was going to wear my Mum’s blouse for my new work photo but I bought something in Covent Garden instead. My size. my choice. A new thing.

In July I can practice the art of saving myself. In July people don’t have to come and rescue me. In July I can go out to meet them, showing what I choose. Reach for dignity even if it’s just for July. Last night my dreams were light-hearted and silly. I did not go looking for ghosts and they didn’t find me.

Here’s me back in the city with a renewed hunger for summer. Here’s me hoping it won’t find me annoying.