20.1.19

Don’t look too closely at dreams of running, wielding sharp objects and banshee wailing. Step outside and feel sun on your face — remember how you sat on your bed with that beautiful boy and told him your braveness was what, like, made it all worth it. You weren’t even rolling; just giddy he was there and he admired you, even he can’t deny that. Said he loved how quick to rage you are in a way that stopped you in your tracks.

Got to keep some thoughts to yourself. Don’t dwell too much on the fact you got hit in the temple with a champagne cork on Saturday night and could have died like one of those freak accidents you read about. Don’t laugh when the yogi says the divine in her sees the divine in you — you’re meant to keep your tongue floppy in your mouth. If your jaw clenches you’ve fucked it up and wasted twelve pounds to boot.

And yes, I still think about that. I keep going back to it like it’s my duty to go looking for things I know aren’t there. If they were there you can bet your life I’d find it absolutely crushing. She said she hoped to god to god you weren’t still caught up in that but you were and you just looked down into your eggs royale like an idiot. tried to tell her it took two to tango, knowing full well you didn’t really have a choice.

But that was last year, and you’re a new you now.

Had to write today. Had to realise, frantically, how much you’ve missed it. Missed how capable, how lucky to have so many things to turn into silly lines on a blue screen and to have the time to do it. How brave you’ve been — and it doesn’t matter what you said to the boy on your bed. What matters is you said it so sincerely, how could he not smile at that? It’s worth spending a minute over whether you should have kept something for yourself. That’s something you’ll have to learn. Not the too-close comfort you got used to, or the cliff-edge happiness that used to thrill you. Not the days spent in bed or phone calls no one had the courage to end, but something strange that you can make into a home.